Dating in Melbourne 2: How old is too old?

When I was younger my parents (and I)  had a rule that I couldn’t date anyone older than my youngest older brother. He’s a month shy of 6 years older than me so I figured that would be safe. And then I had to lie to my parents and tell them my boyfriend at the time was turning 21 when he was actually turning 22, 6 months ahead of my brother. Oops. So after we broke up it became my rule that I wouldn’t date anyone older than him and found the idea of him dating people younger than me kind of creepy. I’ve stuck to my guns ever since then, but since I’ve been single I’ve discovered that it’s not as simple as that.

Now that I’m 22, is it acceptable for me to widen the acceptable age bracket to include those younger than me? If I dated someone who was 18, they would be around 4 years younger. Up to 30 they would be 6 years older, which seems to be fine if I’m hanging out with people but is it not so good for dating? When I was 15, six years seemed massive, but 22 to 28 doesn’t seem like such a significant gap now, but six years younger than me is 16 and that does seem like a lot more.

Over the last fewmonths, I’ve happily dated people a few years older than me, as usual, and even someone who, at 29, was a year older than my prior age limit, which got me a little bit concerned. I currently find myself crushing on someone overseas who is 30 and last night at the Casino after Oak’s Day, I was very seriously hit on by a very handsome gentleman who did not look anywhere near the 38 years old that his license told me he was (yes, I carded him). I couldn’t figure out whether I should be flattered or creeped out, but my parents agreed with my course of action which was to politely excuse myself to my friends and agreeing to let him find me on Facebook. They didn’t need to know any more details than that. So fair enough if 38 is too old, but where does the grey area sit when you’re 22? Or at any age for that matter.

My best friend told me about the ‘half your age plus 7’ rule for determining if someone is old enough. So 22 / 2 + 7 = 18. So that’s fair enough. And if someone was 30 /2 + 7 = 22 then someone my age would be fine for them. But is that okay for me?

What other people say:

Relationship: 4 years, I was younger. Hook up (well, made out): 14 years. Again, I was younger : ) – Twitter reply

I used to know a guy who owned a t-shirt that said “if there’s grass on the wicket then anyone can play” ; )  – Twitter reply

6 years. You know who ; ) – Twitter reply

Someone is too old when you’re no longer attracted to them physically. If you’re attracted to someone and they return the feeling, there is no reason you shouldn’t hook up. Whether they are 18 or 80 doesn’t really matter – Sleazy friend

Oldest and biggest gap: me 20 her 36; youngest: well you know that… – Twitter reply

The oldest I’ve ever slept with was a 32 yr old when I was 19. The oldest I’ve ever dated was a 28 yr old when I was 21. But the other side of the coin (younger) is a lot smaller. I would never date anyone more than a year younger than me. I wouldn’t want to shag anyone below about 20 years old, because young guys don’t know how to do it properly. I don’t think there’s a formula – it’s just personal preference. And it depends what gender you’re considering, because women mature so much faster than men at our age – A blogger friend

Okay so this doesn’t really help make my mind up, except that I feel more comfortable with the idea of dating someone who is 30 now, even though it would be technically outside my predetermined age limit and I would probably not date someone who is between 18 and 20 unless they were particularly mature for their age. I guess my instincts are pretty good and I’m not likely to get myself into any trouble, so I’m happy with that.

Since we’re on the topic, I wrote a feature article a while back for samesame.com.au on the topic of the age gap:

Bridging The Age Gap

Feature, By jadechai, 4th August, 2009
I have a fantasy of being an independent, 30-something leaning against my status-symbol car, waiting for a young lover to whisk me away for a steamy night of lust somewhere exotic or luxurious. In my fantasy there is no room for problems like study schedules, unmatched maturity levels or commitment issues, just that teen movie thing, the trophy on the arm, the flirtatiousness only apparent in cheeky young people all for me…
Read the full article here