Dating in Melbourne 3: How not to get the girl

So I’ve noticed some pretty strange behaviour lately in Singleland, and being a new resident I’m not really sure what to make of it. It seems to me that there’s a lot of people that need to have a sign held up in front of them that says DATING: You’re doing it wrong. And I’m not the only one that thinks so. Let me give you some clues about what might possibly be going wrong if you feel unsuccessful.

You’re not actually single. Seems like a no-brainer, doesn’t it? Well recently I’ve come across a two-timer, a three-timer, a short-term relationship cheater, a long-term relationship cheater, someone who is apparently no good at being honest in an “open” relationship, someone who thought it wouldn’t count because they were going to break up that weekend anyway (they didn’t) and people who think that kissing their friends in front of their partner when they’re drunk or high doesn’t count (it does). And I wonder why I’m jaded. I think I’ve done pretty well not falling into any of those categories since my last relationship started, knowing my past history.

You’re not giving off any signals. If you’re interested in someone but they have no idea about it even though you hang out regularly, then you’re just friends and it’s all your fault. If you’re waiting for them to make a move, then you’re going to be waiting a while. Don’t wait for people to make a move if you think they’re interested, just go for it. I’ll give you a hint – if they ask you out to hang one-on-one for stuff like dinner, movies, etc., bring you cupcakes, brush hands or make something for you I’d say they’re probably interested. If they don’t get any response then after a while they’re going to give up. Even the most confident person can be turned off by not getting a tell that they’re on the right track.

You’re giving off too many signals. Only texting someone after 10pm or texting them often even if you don’t get a response, saying unwarranted sleazy things to them, sending them flowers for no reason, buying them gifts, talking randoms into putting your number in their phone, trying to kiss people you’ve just met, getting pissed off when someone talks to other people or getting touchy when you’ve had no clue that they might be interested are all signs that you’re coming off a little bit too strong. Maybe you should ease up a little bit. There’s a balance between too strong and not strong enough and while confidence is extremely sexy, sleaziness is not.

You’re not trying hard enough. I have friends who are perfectly lovely people, attractive, funny, smart and single. They complain about not meeting the right sort of people, or only date people who are no good for them and then wonder why they’re not happy. It’s because they’re not trying hard enough. If you want to meet a certain type of person then you’re going to have to go to the places where they might be. If you just want to meet someone outside your friendship group, you’re going to have to start hanging out with people who (shock! horror!) aren’t your friends. Get a social hobby, volunteer for a charity, start going to gigs you want to go to without a massive group of friends etc. Don’t be afraid of online dating as a way to meet people, or via forums of your interests. Just so long as you meet in a safe, public place in daylight of course. But that sounds kind of creepy. Seriously, it’s fine. Give it a shot.

You’re too much effort. The full-calendar type don’t have room in their lives for dating. Someone that works a lot or works and studies or goes to the gym every night or has sporting committments all week/end or social events that you can’t work around isn’t going to be very much fun to date if you have to slot dinner in between other committments. I run the risk of this one quite often, and have struggled with taking on too much over the last few years, but if you want to be seeing people, then you make the time. If you don’t, then don’t complain about being single. If you like someone that’s always on the go, make it clear that you’re keen but if they don’t make the time for you, they’re not.

By the way… I can’t speak for all of the other girls out there but I can probably give a few clues about an appropriate course of action if you’re interested in someone. Ask them out for a coffee, drink or lunch, something nice and casual or mid-week. If you both have a good time, send them a timely message (none of this waiting 48 hours bullshit, if you like them then don’t wait until you go to sleep that night) for a follow-up. When you see them again, you always want it to be easy and fun, and not centred around yourself or your interests if you’re the one organizing it. If you like someone, when you’re comfortable and sooner rather than later, kiss them. Eventually, unless you’re holding off for religious or medical reasons, you should have sex with them. Try and avoid sleeping in the same bed with someone without anything happening, because that’s what friends and people in long-term relationships do. So that’s essentially my advice. Be single, let them know you’re keen without coming across too strong, get out there and do things you’re interested in to meet people, let people get to know you, have time for them and make some moves!!