How come so many of the trends out there are shit? I vomited a little bit in my mouth looking at some of the things young(er) girls are wearing these days.
Case in point: Girls at pubs. I was at the Geebung pub in Hawthorn last weekend, which I’ve been to a few times but never for one of their big party nights. I could not believe what some of the girls were wearing – they would have only been up to 4 years younger than me, but I felt old. To quote Panic at the Disco, I felt “out of place and underdressed”, wearing a v-neck t-shirt, slimline zipped hoodie, denim skirt and canvas shoes. My friend was wearing jeans, a normal top and plain heels. And we stuck out like Beth Ditto on the Victoria’s Secret catwalk.
So, how would one dress to fit in with these girls?
Dress up like you’re going to a hot club. Wear a dress if you like, but it needs to at least show arse if you bend over, and preferable a little under-cheek shadow if you’re standing up. Brightly coloured, shiny material or metallics are all fine. Don’t wear white in case you spill any of the highly coloured drinks the neanderthals buy you, which you will.
Get a fake tan. Whether you go out before washing it off, get it sprayed extra-dark or just layer bronzer over the top, make sure your skin tone doesn’t look natural. The more orange the better. Oh, and make sure you have heaps of body shimmer on your chest and blusher on your cheekbones. You know, for extra colour. Because no one wants to see what you actually look like underneath all of that.
Choose high heels that are difficult to walk in and if the dress code allows, have open toes. That way if someone knocks over their beer or vodka raspberry, you could get a nice cool liquid between your toes. Or maybe even glass. Just make sure you stand where the carpet is sticky if you have trouble walking after too many cruisers so it holds you in place.
If you’re not up for wearing a dress, wear harem pants. They’re like a cross between leggings and tracksuit pants, but made to look glamourous. And you could probably go straight from work to the pub, still looking feeling like you’re in your trackies. Wear them with the aforementioned heels. They were good enough for Jeannie and MC Hammer. Totally hot and handy if you have to wear an adult diaper.
Put fake lashes on over the top of your over-the-top smokey eye look. Don’t match the lashes to your natural eyelash line, that way you’ll have two layers of eyelashes. Double the fun. If you’re faking it, you may as well go all the way: get hair extensions, stuff your bra which a set or chicken fillets or two and get some sweet extra-long french tipped acrylics. You never know, you may actually win a Muzza beauty contest along the way.
Or, maybe you could dress like a normal person and hang out at the pub in a nice cotton dress or your favourite jeans, a cute top and flats or comfortable heels, for God’s sake, wear a cardigan if it’s cold (it is Melbourne here, and by the way it’s winter) and leave the makeup nice and light. Pubs are places where people go to have some drinks, listen to a band, play some pool and chill-out. If you want to dress like a slurry, please go to Chapel Street and let me drink my beer in peace.